Lately I’ve been feeling like a total rookie in this whole life thing.
In my business things have been pretty rock and roll, not because I’ve gone on some kind of ‘throw myself into work’ rampage to avoid dealing with the death of my partner, more that I’ve actually been doing the opposite. When I’ve tried to throw myself into work (which was a strategy I took on when my father passed away a few years ago) my body goes into shut down mode, it just won’t let me do as much any more.
I started my own business about 3 – 4 years ago, I used to have this belief that in order to get ahead I had to work hard. What I had translated the meaning of the words ‘work hard’ was a reflection of how I had seen my parents work growing up. My father, an insomniac, would work crazy hours always trying to get ahead and then never would, I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove that this system works to no avail.
Now I will work from 8am – 4pm every day and have become extremely structured. There are always exceptions to rules so I might start earlier for the occasional client/Skype meetings, however all in all though I don’t work through my nights until 2am in the morning any more. I also don’t work weekends (which are the days and times I miss him the most).
I’ve started filling these times with total digital disconnection, it might be some mindfulness meditation, cooking (or re-learning to cook), reading something completely unrelated to work (something I’ve never done after the age of 18) or I’ll take a walk in the park and leave my phone at home, or I might just sit and have a one sided conversation, pretending he’s still here making fun of me, or giving me some sort of useful advice. As I’ve been reflecting over our lives together the realisation that some of the most important life lessons I’ve learnt, I’ve learnt from him, some that I’m going to share with you through these blogs.
Before this catastrophic life changing event had happened I worked crazy hours, drink 6 – 8 cups of coffee a day and would work 14 hours a day thinking that it might get me ahead when really I was doing everything at a 40% efficiency instead of a 100% efficiency that I work at now.
I wish I had some of that time back, I wish I had spent it with him instead of on running an inefficient business, If I had the chance for a do-over I would do that, I’m trying to not hold any guilt about this and if I was being really honest with my about that situation of just having that extra time, it wouldn’t mean we would have actually spend any more time together doing anything of any importance, I’d just trade my soul for another minute with him, so from here on in, that disconnection and physical reconnection with the people in my life that I love has become my number one priority.