For a solid three weeks after I had lost my loved one, all I could feel was despair and a terrible darkness had descended. A few months later I tried describing the feeling and all I could come up with that came even close to an adequate description was that it felt like my heart had been ripped out and a grenade had been put in its place with the pin pulled out. My whole body & brain just shut down completely, I couldn’t do the basic functions of life that I seemingly have taken for granted. Eating, sleeping and breathing was a challenge.
For those of you that may have experienced this darkness, I am truly sorry, the pain I have felt and still feel I would never wish upon anyone. It is the kind of pain that genuinely breaks people or makes people, I have realised I have been a witness to both extremes in my short lived life so far. While I have been processing my own grief I soon came across varying spectrum’s of pain and trauma caused by this spiritual and mental grenade going off. If you are reading this and the pain is still new, take comfort that while it will never go away, IT WILL feel less overwhelming and it will stop being this solid and constant emptiness that feels like a black hole where no other emotions are allowed to exist. Life simply begins to grow around your grief with each moment filled with joy becoming a small pillow strapped on to help cushion the pain.
In my own personal journey which is ongoing I made a conscious decision to re-enter my world and re-embark on this adventure called life. I will note that I did come up with some rather creative thoughts of how I was going to kill myself prior to this decision. Fortunately between my selfish reasoning & help from people who love me I didn’t get the opportunity to make any of my creative thoughts into actions.
Up until the moment of feeling genuinely suicidal, for those that know me, know I have never once had those kind of thoughts before and I hope to never have them again, I had always consider suicide as a selfish act.
After I had come out of my emotional coma I realised being selfish had absolutely nothing to do with it and instead it had everything to do with this extreme overwhelming sense of helplessness and to have hope was something that I felt I was undeserving of, anyone who told me otherwise was like pouring salt into the open wound caused by the mental grenade.
In fact being selfish was more the thing that helped to save me from finding any success in actually killing myself, this is some examples:
Me: “I could just throw myself in front of a truck.”
Selfish Reasoning: “You might just get horrifically injured and you’d hate that.”
Me: “I’ll just throw myself off this bridge.”
Selfish Reasoning: “You’ll make a mess of your face, you don’t want to do that.”
Me: “I walk into the ocean and drown myself.”
Selfish Reasoning: “Do you know how cold the ocean is???”
Me: “I’ll just cut out my heart.”
Selfish Reasoning: “You know if any of your friends did that to you, you would be pissed, you know they will bring you back from the dead just to slap you silly right?”
Thinking back now, the simple fact that I still had the ability to find selfish reasoning whilst suffering from oxygen, sleep & nutritional deprivation was pretty phenomenal.