Grief redux

A thing happened, it wasn’t a big thing, it’s not an anniversary, nobody died today that I know of, the avalanche of grief came for a visit today, maybe it’s the build up of tiny little things, people leaving my world, a cosmic clearout of an old life, my working through childhood trauma, pressures from work, old work habits of working late hours reappearing from before he died, anxiety squirrels are working overtime.

I feel extremely lonely more than usual. Detached and disconnected from my reality, my reality without you in it hits me. Oh grief my familiar friend, just when I thought I had seen the last of you, just when I started to get a handle on you, just when I started to get comfortable with the idea you weren’t in my life as much anymore, the grenade in my chest goes off again and I struggle to breathe.

Thoughts run through my head like:
“How can anyone love me like this? I’m a complete basket case.”

Or a particular lie with some sprinkles of cognitive dissonance that I tell myself, like:

“It’s just easier to be alone, we all die alone anyway.”

Really, I just want someone who will hug me and tell me it will be ok. That I will be ok. Someone to be there when I feel helpless which isn’t that often, but when it does happen I fall and I fall hard, someone who will be there when I fall to dust me off, dry my eyes and tell me it’s ok. I’m so tired of being that person for myself.

Tomorrow promises to be better.

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